It started tonight. When you called me. I think I’ve known that it would, I just didn’t think it would start this soon. Questions starting to pop up in my mind about how the hell this is all going to work. I want to be with you. I think. I can picture myself with you forever, but I don’t know if that’s my imagination getting the best of me because I want to see that. I have to admit, I have seen it with others, before there was you. I wonder if I really care, or if I’m just using you to feel good, like you claim you’ve used others in the past. And then I wonder if the only reason I push that thought out of my mind is because I can’t believe myself to be that despicable. I don’t have the courage to admit that I am.
I know that you’re far away, and that I’m far away. And I know that this must be hard for you, it’s hard for me. I don’t know if it’s the reason I want to believe, that I miss you, terribly. Or if it’s the reason I don’t dare mention to anyone, sometimes myself. That I don’t care about you at all. That what I care about is you making me happy. No matter what it takes, physically, emotionally, socially, whatever. And then I get frustrated because you don’t understand my frustration or my pain. Or if you do, you don’t show it.
Right now, I hate this. Right now, I hate this and you. But not you. I don’t know. I just hurt, and I feel ashamed because I do, because I’m being selfish. And you’ll just tell me to get off my mood swing and stop running away from the problem. I’m going to lose you and it’s starting right now. You’re going to lose me, and it started a long time ago. And I don’t know how to stop it, and I didn’t think or want this to happen, and now…I’m not sure I can or want to stop it. It just…started. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum…don’t let the bastards get you down.