So here’s the deal. I was talking to Shan today before I left school…about how I wasn’t looking forward to Christmas break very much. I’m going to miss all my friends from school and to be perfectly honest, I don’t feel all that close to the majority of my friends at home anymore. In fact, I probably feel closest to my coworkers at Gloria Jeans because sadly enough, that’s who I spend the most time with while I’m in town. I realized that I should probably make an effort at least to have a good time and to spend time with my family and friends here. I mean, I was close to them once for a reason…right? So like I started with…here’s the deal. i’m going to try and spend as little time on IM as I can during Christmas break. I found that during Thanskgiving, I avoided spending time with people here because I was looking forward to talking to all of you lovely people online. (Ok, the ferret is crapping in Frederick’s pot…time for a ferret beating break). Anyway. So I’m going to make an effort to spend time with those people here at home by sacrificing the majority of the time I spend on IM. I know you’re not supposed to start out with a goal and expecting failure, but I know that I won’t be able to completely sacrifice it, b/c let’s face it. A month without talking to you guys would kill me. (Jodee…that includes you…I had better see you this month, girlfriend!) Anyway…the point of this whole thing is to tell you that I’m going to try and communicate with email fairly regularly. We’ll see what happens. On with the real email…
God rocks..y’know why? Other than the fact that He didn’t just let me drive home safely…He kept me from getting a speeding ticket while I was clipping along at 81 mph…It’s just cool that He knows what He’s doing. To be perfectly honest with you all…this semester has blown hairy ferret crap chunks. (I’ve got ferrets on my mind cuz one is running around on the tile behind me.) I’m not sure how aware all of you are of some of the stuff that’s been going on in my life, but it’s been pretty tough. You guys are about the closest group of friends I trust, and the people I’m sending this email to are the people who I trust the most in the world. I’ve been fairly depressed, and I’m sure of you can validate my claims to being suicidal at some times during the semester. I’ve had friends die, relatives die, people tell me mean and hateful things about myself, and a lot of other things I could whine about. But four hours alone in a car gives you time to think. A lot of time. And I found myself thinking about how last night during praise and worship I felt God was asking me to give up all the pain I was holding inside concerning everything that had and was happening. I remember thinking “then I’m nothing though…without that I’m nothing!” So God stuck that thought playing over and over and over in my mind all night, and all day today until about when I hit the Dalles. I think God wants me to be nothing, b/c if there’s me in there…I focus on that and not on Him. “Time to learn to give it up.” It all clicked, and I could actually say for the first time in my life that I was looking forward to seeing how all the events of this semester will fit into my life as a whole. How am I going to look back at them and say “ohhhhhhh…I get it!” And to be honest, I’m pretty excited.
Anyway, I wanted to share that with you guys…cuz you’re the best of the best that anyone could hope for when it comes to friends. I may write tomorrow, and I may not. And it may be this long and it may not…guess we’ll see. Exciting eh?