Brrr. I woke up and there was snow outside. Crazy. I took a shower and 15 minutes later came back and it was gone…replaced by freezing rain. Psycho. I saw my ex boyfriend for the first time since July today. Insane. He has hair now. Incredibly mental.
I want to write about it. Like everything I saw, and felt, and said, and wanted to say in those seven or eight minutes, but I’m not really sure what to say. Or how to say it. How do you talk about someone you thought you once loved? Maybe you still do, and you don’t really know it. All I know is that when he came over and hugged me in Old Navy in front of those stupid girls who were sitting there perfectly still pretending to model…the world was suddenly okay. With my eyes closed, smelling his leather jacket and feeling his day old stubble grate against my temple in a nice simple sort of way, brought back so many memories. He doesn’t seem so threatening in real life. Over IM, we’d go round and round fighting about the stupidest things…just because we were so scared of each other. And now we’ve gone and bunked it all up. Gone and hurt each other so much that he believes he’ll be single forever and I’m…well, I’m president of the manhater club and that says enough.
I wonder sometimes if it could still work. We messed up real bad, that’s for sure. We can’t be around each other and control ourselves, and we can’t communicate if we aren’t around each other. Yet, we know each other so intimately, and fit together so easily and perfectly…it makes me think sometimes. We trash talk each other b/c we hurt each other. But, we still buy Christmas presents for each other’s families and we still will encourage the other to no end if they’re down. There are times that it would seem impossible for me to survive without him always being there to listen to me cry, or wipe away my tears, or to understand why I’m feeling the way I do because of the past I have. And there times that I’d like nothing more than to never ever see or hear from him or of him again. I don’t think that’s love. I think that’s just flat confusing. And I don’t have the slightest clue how to act this break. I want to call him and spend time with him, and just be with him again, but at the same time I’m just scared that what happened will happen again, and that I’ll be hurt all over again, and that will suck. Do you hurt because you care? Or can you not care and still hurt? I guess it’s good that God didn’t let him give me his phone number. Maybe God had Drew give me his for a reason…Anyway, I’m not going to get anywhere talking about this tonight…cept maybe confused. And I’m not sending him this email even though I’ve sent him all the rest, because I don’t want to make things even more complicated. I have no idea why I just told you all that. lol.
Why do you believe in God? What motivates you to seek Him? Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I seek God is because I was brainwashed to while I was young. There are a lot of times I wonder if I would be a Christian if I hadn’t been raised in a Christian home. Do you ever just “step out of yourself” and look at what you believe and realize how absolutely nuts it sounds to a non Christian? Existence confuses me. The only way I can explain it to myself at times is to remind myself of two things. One, I can’t imagine my life without God in it. He had a reason for putting me in a Christian home, so I should shut up and deal with it. And b, Life and existence are such off the wall concepts that only someone like God could have thought them up. I think I analyze myself and my beliefs so much because I’m so terrified that I’m not going to hear God tell me “well done” after I’m done getting chances to serve Him. Man, I wish I could just shut up and do what He asks. I wish just for once, that I wouldn’t have to work at it, that I could just be good. Be worthy of the gospel. Life would be a heck of a lot easier. I’m an indecisive person, give me choices and the world gets SO much more complicated. Well, enough ranting for this evening. Tomorrow is another day full of Christmas tree decorating with my grandmother, Lord of the Rings with my mother, and hopefully lots of Sarah shutting up and letting God work. Hope you guys are having an awesome break. Let me know how I can pray. And for heaven’s sake, let me know what’s going on with New Years!!! (KRISTY!)
Ms. Addicted to Hot Chocolate,