I really should be in the shower. Cuz I still have to be up at 6 tomorrow morning, and I won’t have time to take a shower then. But I’m completely unmotivated. Things are so out of whack right now…it’s unbelievable. Unbelievable because you think things like this could never really happen to you, and unbelievable because I don’t really know what to believe and what not to believe when it comes to people telling me things. Like some little kid choking on a lifesaver while watching a video of a chipmunk puppet.

I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m upset…but I think it’s because I’m choosing to be upset. And I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be upset or if I just am not used to being upset. My sister is just unbelievable right now. She’s gone for a few weeks or something like that, visiting a friend. My parents are freaking out about her, and she’s at the whole age where your whole world can get messed up in a few seconds. I suppose if I was 16 and I heard that from my older sister, I’d think she was a psycho. But…the kids in my family are retarded. It’s like we hit the normal age to get a drivers’ permit and our lives just become horrible. We’re super emotional, depressed, volatile…I dunno. Cole and I both got suicidal then…and God only knows what Kiki is doing. It keeps getting progressively worse, so I’m a little worried what will happen when RJ turns 15.5. I want to talk to my sisters about stuff, but I just have that same old fear that I always have. I really really sincerely think that people don’t want me to get involved in things. I don’t like initiating activities because I don’t want to impose on other people’s plans. I don’t want to confront people about things that aren’t really “my” business because I don’t want them annoyed with me. I feel so helpless. I know Kiki feels alone and she’s hurting, even though I have no idea what the heck is really going on. And I can’t do a single stupid thing to help it. I hate being away from home for months at a time…well, sometimes. When I’m in a non selfish mood which isn’t very often. I come back and my siblings have all gotten a little bit older and I don’t have a clue what’s been going on with them.

I want Cole and Kiki and RJ to all know that friends are going to leave, and people are going to change and hurt you, and relationships never stay as cool and wonderful as they are right now. And that living a Godly lifestyle is hard, but worthwhile. And sometimes…*gulp* parents do know what they’re talking about. But then, I’m a hypocrite and I feel horrible telling them those things when I know I don’t follow them myself. Also…I know at their age, I didn’t want to hear stuff like that. I don’t know if this statement is entirely true…but I think you should be yourself (a typical teenage mantra)…but, you should realize that”yourself” isn’t going to stay the same…and it isn’t always the right way to act. Gosh, I’m getting preachy. I hate that when I tell my siblings I love them…and they look at me like I’m a freak. Cole not so much anymore, but I’m sure he’s still thinking it.

I want to fly from home…I want to be on my own. But my family is breaking my heart.