*yaaaaaaawn* Man, I am so stinking tired. And it’s only 9:30. I really feel like a loser. Where has my youth gone?!?! I used to be able to breeze into the 2:30 am realm without so much as a quiver. Now I’m lucky to make it to 11. Pa the tic.
I arrived back in the dusty smusty Tri Cities this evening. It was all smoky and muggy and hot. Apparently, I just missed the thunderstorms which started a whole bunch of wildfires around here. Ach, pity. I miss my friends already. I called Shan and talked to her and that helped. *smile*
I think this trip taught me a lot. I realized a lot of things about myself, that’s for sure. Like…I enjoy driving recklessly. And I like making faces at people in the cars next to me. Let’s see…what else. It isn’t hard to be friends with people, I can just be myself and usually it’ll turn out okay. Unless they’re predisposed to hate you…but even then sometimes it works out. :o) I discovered that I like not having to think about myself and completely focus on the happiness of someone else. Helping Shannon out with this wedding was stressful, yeah, but I don’t think I’ve had that much fun in a long time. I didn’t have to be in charge Sarah who is making Fellowship/Student government desicions. I didn’t have to be manhater Sarah who isn’t going to let any guy within fifty feet of who I really am. I didn’t have to be mediator Sarah who is trying to sort out the infinite drama of Western Baptist. My only goal was to make sure that Shannon’s wedding went exactly how she wanted it. That sounds really arrogant of me…and I don’t mean to sound like I did anything all that spectacular…cuz I didn’t. Trust me, I was a royal pain in the you know what a lot of the time. But I did have fun doing nails and makeup, and watching Shannon be all beautiful in her gown. Gosh. Shannon and Dave are married. Holy stinking cow. To be honest, I burst into tears the minute they drove off. I feel like my entire reality is a puzzle that I thought was put together, but now people are growing up on me and pieces keep getting removed. I’m sure there’s another puzzle put together underneath, but I can’t see the picture yet and it’s driving me crazy. It’s a good thing Jesus is holding my hand…or I think I’d be a goner. I feel like I’m a few steps behind everyone else. I’m finally ready to be in college and have the college life…now I’m going to graduate this year. I have no idea what I’m doing afterwards. It makes me want to put on some beautiful music, like a Chopin Nocturne or something…and close my eyes and just live in that moment forever. Thinking about what’s going to happen next June…or rather what I have no idea is going to happen is giving me the same type of feeling I get when I hear a beautiful chord change. That excited-nervous-rolled up in one feeling. And the freaked out feeling. Ach, dangit. Now I’m crying all over again. Gosh, I’m tired.
I can’t imagine my life as an adult. I have no idea what I want to do. I want to be able to read good books, and travel, and eat great food, and see things and places that are different from here…I want to be able to listen to music and watch people’s faces light up with an “I get it!” moment, and I want to watch people be in love and try and understand what they’re thinking when they’re struggling with things, or philosophizing. So where do I sign up for that career? Man…I meant to blog about my theories on Pizza tonight…and here I am just spilling emotional guttage all over the place. I must have been storing up this last week. I just feel like this last week I was finally exactly who I wanted to be and dangit…I want to be that way all the time. But I know I’m going to go back to school, and I’ll pressure myself to go back to my old rut of a independent dominating want the spotlight all the time person. And that…is ghetto. People are already surprised at me. It makes me sad that I’ve done this to myself…given myself such a reputation as a jerk.
So I’m not going to apologize for this blog. I don’t have a reason to apologize for it. It just makes me sad. And kind of lost feeling….