The spiritual buzz around my college lately has been humility. “We should be humble.” “You should be humble.” “What is humility?” “How do we get humility?” “Here’s a time I should have been humble…” I felt out of the loop until this afternoon.
I’m very proud of the work that I do on student government. I’d like to think that I’m doing this job to the best of my abilities. I love my job, I love the people that I work with – mostly because they’re fun and exciting and leaders and I’m a leader so we do leadership “things – and I love the fellowship system. And although I’ve asked people if there were ways I could improve…I hadn’t heard a single suggestion. So I thought I was okay.
Today, the carpet was pulled out from under my feet so quickly that it only after ten minutes of lying on the ground that I realized what had happened. Today, I was told that the majority of my wonderful fellowship officers believe that I am unorganized, not on their side, and part of a higher beaurocracy which pushes fellowships to the side and hinders them from what they want to accomplish. I have deprived them of a purpose but asked them to do everything. I know that some of these statements lack logic, but that does not mean they lack bite. All of this came from a friend. From my own fellowship. This same friend claimed that I was being defensive. That I was out more for my own reputation than to see the fellowships succeed. That I had become one of “them” in the upper echelons of that intimidating, dominating, group known as Student Government. I found myself at a complete loss for defense and words. I wanted to lash back out at him, but I couldn’t even find the energy to think about how. I felt as though every aspect of my position, my team of student government, and my leadership capabilities had been tossed under attack in a war that has been going on. A war that consists of IFC vs. me…and no one told me that it had been declared. I had been misinformed by them and then broadsided.
And I suppose it’s my own fault. I was getting too comfortable. Who am I to think that I could do a perfect job at this position. I’m not angry…simply hurt. And at a loss. I’m not exactly sure where to turn, what to do to fix this. Not that I really have any options, since they’ve decided to save time and bypass me and go to my superiors. All I can sit here and do is concentrate on continuing to breathe…and pray…and hold myself back from lashing out. Because if pride brought me here, it’s nothing I need nor want now.