I’m on the verge of a panic attack. This would make the third one in two weeks and the second one in 72 hours. I don’t appreciate this.
I always thought that I had a problem with trust. I thought that the problem was a lack of trust in people. I was wrong. I trust people too much, and get upset and wounded when I’m forced to yield control. I despise being controlled with a passion of hatred that I don’t even understand the depth of myself. I will share most things about myself very freely, or after proper manipulation. But if the information I share exits the realm of my control…things are turned upside down in my world.
I lack willpower, ironically enough. I lack willpower in so many areas…except maintaining control. I hate being predictable – that’s a level of control. Therefore, I try to be unpredictable. Sometimes, as pathetic and rudimentary as it sounds, I logically deduce what would be the most predictable course of action and do the very opposite. I am a dynamic person. I follow my gut, I follow my emotions. And the most hilarious part of this is that I thought I was intellectual as opposed to emotional.
Possibly, I lack the ability to let things go. On a superficial level, I forgive extremely easily. It’s the forgetting part I have problems with. By forgetting, I lose a little piece- a small key- to control. I lay down one of my many weapons…bringing more vulnerability – something I inherently despise and want at the same time.
I take all of this…and the confusion that follows undoubtedly in its path…and I sweep it up into a tiny white spot in my mind and my soul. Whenever control gets beyond me…I think about the white spot…and tense every muscle in my body and strain for that spot, that hole, that open ness…and sometimes it goes away. When it doesn’t…well, that’s what’s been happening lately. I’m losing control over the spot, and it’s bleeding all over my consciousness. Red streaks over my emotions and my thoughts, infecting even the aspects of my life I thought were on autopilot control; my studies, my ability to sleep, my desire to eat and breathe, and even my ability to control my limbs and my eyelids and my jaw. The intense rage and anger will course through me without any warning…veiling everything with a darkness and shadow I have no idea how to fight.
I’m afraid. Because if the white spot wins, I’m afraid I will shatter into a thousand microscopic pieces which will never be able to…