Sometimes crap happens…wait, let me rephrase that. *ahem* Sometimes I do stuff to myself which places me in a state of conscience and mind where I wish I could kick myself in the forehead like Wee Man from Jackass. I think I know someone’s character, and I make a judgment call on it. And usually, the entire time, I’m telling myself that this is a poor desicion. In this case, it was “Rogue, you are not God’s instrument of change in this situation. And no, it is not right or Christ like to pray that you CAN be the instrument of change.” Often, when I realize I am hoping to be the instrument of change, I also realize that this indicates I have the wrong attitude. Theologically, this could be wrong in a lot of ways…I just know how my own motivations function, so that’s where this is coming from.
I feel bad. I don’t have a reason to feel bad, I don’t think. But I was so interested in being the catalyst that I was SO sure someone needed, that I overstepped my bounds as a woman of God. I compromised my integrity. I lashed out when I should have silenced my tongue. And I feel like crawling into a cave and flagellating myself. (Is that the right term? I dunno…) How about…”beating myself in the back with long whip like utensils”. There we go.