I was waiting for it…waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiting for it. And just like always, when I was finally duped up enough to think it might not come, it shot out of hiding and blindsided me. The rug out from under my feet faster than a magician whipping the cloth from his hand to reveal a dove underneath. Only…instead of a dove, it was a stinking pile of crap for me.
And not only is it one vile pile of (I’m tempted to say “bile” here, but I’m not) crap…it’s two lovely little mounds of poo for me to deal with from my past. For those of you that are lost, I suppose it’s time I get around to the point.
This morning, the senior pastor of my “college town” church resigned. It seemed pretty sudden to most members of the congregation, including me. Just all happening this week. But of course, things like this build up over time. Anyway…I despise disunity in the Church more than anything else that comes to mind right now. (I know, it’s late, so that’s not much, but I’m sure I’d despise it more than most things I’d think of at 1 in the afternoon too…). I was close to tears the entire time and when he finally formally announced his resignation to the congregation, a pain ripped through my heart that I knew way too well. It was the same pain that coursed through me when we drove away from the place I became a Christian. It was the same pain I felt when Pastor G, Pastor D, and Pastor P (whoa! they all rhyme!) all left our church. Betrayal, confusion, and anger…intense pain and anger. At the same time I was crying out to God in agony, I was swearing to Him for allowing this to happen. Again. Yeah, I know we’re all human and we mess up, but this just sucks royally and I don’t appreciate it. Enter Demon from the past number one. Now for round two.
I talked to my cardiologist today. Mentioned the panic attacks and the loss of sensation in my limbs. So now…*deep breath* I have several wonderful things in store for me. I get the pleasure of wearing a heart monitor for a few weeks. I get to go see a neurologist. And I get a heart cath. If you don’t know what a heart cath is, let’s just say it’s minor surgery from the pit of hell and leave it at that. I’m pissed about this. Might just be pre pms, but still. I really really really don’t want to deal with heart crap on top of everything else. Yeah yeah yeah, it’s part of the gig. But seriously. Can’t we just go one year? Six months? Without something – anything – happening? It’s like my heart senses when things are going well and is like “whoop whoop, crisis control! we need a crisis here!” and bam! It goes off. *sigh*
I’m going to bed. Sleep is my escapism.