I’ve been nominated for Homecoming Queen.
The majority of people who see my mug around campus on a regular basis seem to respond to this fact with boisterous cheering and smiles and clapping and jumping up and down enthusiastically. I, however, have a constant mental image of myself which resembles me…with a terrified look…backing away very quickly. All the while chanting, “this is not a big deal…this is not a big deal…” People aren’t understanding my attitude about this. I’ll try to explain…but I’m not guaranteeing anything.I don’t like surprises. Nor do I like attention. Homecoming itself is comprised of me standing in front of a large portion of students from my own college while we are surprised by who is voted into the position of Homecoming King and Queen. Not to mention, I have to put on formal attire – not my forte.
I’m not concerned about winning or losing. I firmly believe that I’ll be one of the three standing there watching another lovely lady as she assumes the throne. And that is perfectly okay. I just don’t want to deal with all the individuals who will approach me and say “well, I voted for you…” and expect me to smile and say thank you. I do not like being expected to play a role. Yes, I realize that rings of hypocrisy – not liking surprises while demanding to be surprising.
As for right now, I’m listening to all of those who are striving to be supportive by telling me that I will win. That’s nice of them to say that, but they don’t have to. And as for this being an honor? Well, thank you again, but before I was nominated all I heard was that this was just another popularity contest. I do not like being expected to play a role…including the role of representing the underdog of social standing. I am not popular. There will be a forthcoming blog discussing this in more detail but let’s just leave it at this: while it is not the fact that I am losing which will bother me…I will be bothered if I am forced to stand with the beautiful people only to be declared not quite good enough. When I was perfectly fine in the shadows of those who stood out.
I will be blunt with you. There are a great many times I am not satisfied nor even comfortable with who I am. The cliche claims you are your own worst critic. So be it. Someone has to criticize me in a way I’ll accept it since I’m very poor at accepting criticism from those outside my body. And this “honor” has me evaluating myself more than ever. Obviously, I’m finding myself in a miserable mess.For those of you who deemed me worthy of a nomination, I do appreciate it, despite how negative my attitude might appear through this entry. It is an honor to be recognized by you and it isn’t necessarily the fact of being nominated which bothers me. I do feel loved. But all you guys’ lovin sure got me in a mess of activity I don’t know what to do about. As much as my fist is straining to hold onto that comfort blankie, it’s being ripped from beneath my feet faster than you can say “and the nominees are…”