Love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love, love

The past few weeks I’ve felt like God has just been taking a crap on me. I feel as though I should have seen it coming. I should have known. Not that I’m a full blooded pessimist – that’s only from my mother’s side. But there were signs all around. I talked to people about how I felt something horrendous coming, but when I started seeing cruddy things, I still didn’t act in the right way. All of my devotions for the past two weeks have been about dealing with trials. Chapel has been covering defining moments. Even all the hype lately has been about The Passion of Christ – highlighting one of the most gruesome and painful ways in history that one could be executed. But still I was surprised when the storm hit.

There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done
Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It’s easy

Frankly, I’ve been disgusted with many of my friends as of late. They’re dirty. They swear and they speak crudely and lewdly. They trash talk authority and scheme ways to bend the rules. They insult each other and everyone else in the world from Canadians to your mother. And I allow myself to get sucked right down into it when I’m around them. In talking to them individually, they all agree it needs to stop. But when we re-enter the herd, it begins all over again. Now that I’ve begun to say something, to actually protest, I feel somewhat persecuted. It’s gone beyond isolation. I feel shunned. It’s as though I’ve been branded as having a defect because I want to pursue a life that isn’t crap. I honestly don’t want recognition, I just don’t want to be insulted. Christ says we’ll be persecuted for our faith. Not that this is true persecution, but still. I never knew some of it would come from other Christians.

There’s nothing you can make that can’t me made
No one you can save that can’t be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It’s easy

While sitting in church last Sunday watching elementary school age children dance around in overalls and bandanas, I was hit with a sudden and sobering thought. I have approximately 60 days until I graduate from college. College. It made me sick to think about. I don’t know what’s coming. My options are open enough, I could go back home and get a job. I could accept this opportunity to further my schooling by going into an EKG training program up north. I could work full time as an editor on a new history book coming out. Heck, I could go teach English in Mongolia. Frankly, all of those options sound terrifying for various reasons. And the thought pattern continued. Real life is coming and that’s supposedly the worst “toss em in the water and let em learn to swim” point that one can reach. I wish that my mindset was more of “can the real world handle me” as opposed to “can I handle the real world?”

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

I even feel bad calling myself persecuted, or viewing these rough times as genuine “trials” similar to what James talks about in the Bible. They’re so minor. I’m not really being persecuted because a Christian. My life isn’t being threatened. I don’t have to live in fear or hiding. I have religious freedom and freedom to express myself. And I sit here guilt tripping myself constantly because I’m complaining about stupid small things in my life which are probably just pebbles instead of mountains…but I can’t really find a way to stop myself.

Love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love, love

It’s hard to put up with the people around me. I’ve even come to the point where I’ve found myself hating this place – when months ago, I was loving it. All the hypocrisy in my own life and in the lives of those around me is becoming depressing. The legalities of being on Student Government and all the hoops I’m asked to dance through are getting tiresome. I don’t know if it’s just me being overly anal and sensitive, or if it’s a huge case of senioritis…but about 95% of the things people are doing around me either piss me off or make me feel alienated to some extent. I’m tired of it. The restless urge to cut loose and run is building in me, and I’m nearing the point where I’ll find a way to simply cut myself off from everyone around me.

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

Graduating from college scares me. What I want more than anything is to lead a life pursuing God – and will hopefully be terribly exciting and involve lots of traveling. But the fact that I’m going recklessly fast towards the cliff of graduation without a little Deku leaf or helicopter or hang glider or anything but my own faith is very disconcerting. I’m looking forward to proving myself as an adult. Yet I’m terrified that I’m going to find myself completely alone. I have no idea what the next six months hold and I want to scream I am not okay with this!

There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown
No where you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be
It’s easy

All of these places are places I’m meant to be. In the storm, no matter how big or small, is that small eye of peace. I just have to stay with it. My friends are beautiful people, am I earning their trust enough for them to show their true colors to me? God will reveal my future to me one day at a time. Heck, he could even go for one hour or one minute or one second at a time. It’s His perogative.

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

The comforting thing through out all of this is God is working out a perfect and amazing and good plan. His love is infinitely perfect. If there was a way to improve upon perfect, God would be it. His love is holding onto me tightly – even if it means death. His love is keeping me sane right now. His love is what’s convicting me when those around me swear and break rules and talk dirty. His love is what is going to carry me through the future. And it’s pretty much all I need.

All you need is love
To search for God’s peace in the eye of the storm
All you need is love
To love my friends and stand for what’s right
All you need is love, love
To live past May 1 and do a cannonball into real life…
Love is all you need


Love is all you need “All You Need is Love” by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

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