I feel unfulfilled right now. Like my life is mundane and tedious. I don’t like it. Not one bit. Those are quite a few sentence fragments right in a row. Deal with it.
Maybe it’s just spring. Maybe it’s just the sunshine actually making an appearance in Salem. Maybe it’s something in the air that’s lilting in from the south – with something wild in it from California or Mexico or Peru…Maybe it’s just senioritis.
I feel like I’m settling. Settling for an education that I have no clue what to do with. Settling down into preparations to become the typical American young woman with a mediocre job and husband and kids and live in a white bread town and serve on the PTA. Settling down to a life of housework, teaching kids to pee in the toilet instead of their diapers, a minivan and soccer practice in between Sunday drives to church and swimming at the city pool. Half of me even wants that because I think it’d be an easy life. (As if life is EVER easy…) And the other half of me is kicking and screaming in fear and indignation because it’s afraid I just might settle for that. How lame.
I do not want to settle. I’ve only got one life and as selfish as it sounds, I’d sure like it if this life was a fulfilling one. I know the only way that’s going to happen is if I let God take over, but I’ll admit something to you. Sometimes I get nervous and worry that God has a boring life planned out for me. That the most exciting thing going on will be this blog, and what’s happening on TV. Sure there’ll be high points…but I never want to settle.
I’m afraid to become like my mom. Don’t get me wrong, my mom is a great person. She’s funny and very compassionate. She loves her kids like nothing else and is dedicated to both God and her family. She can cook like Emeril and has moral standards I admire. But I get the feeling my mom is feeling unfulfilled. She’s spent her life teaching American high schoolers English – struggling with their laziness and attitude and crappy priorities (get the feeling I’m disillusioned with the American Public School system? I am…) I’m starting to get worried. I’ve been walking into our apartment and getting depressed because I see all the crap all over the floor, the dishes in the sink, the clothes strewn about. And I think things my mom always says. “This place is never clean…” etc etc etc. It is my responsibility…but I don’t want to walk into wherever I’m living and think that for every day of the rest of my life.
It’s funny. I’ve heard from different people that I’m spontaneous, that I’m practical, that I’m reserved, that I’m the most unpredictable person they’ve ever met. Can you be all of those at once? Is that just something that becomes reconciled when you grow up? Please excuse the confused and slightly disgusted look on my face. I don’t get it. Is this some test where I’m supposed to learn that your life can be as exciting as you make it…it just depends on your attitude? Or is this some spur on for me to get going into the precarious life of constant unknowns that waits just around the corner?