The question has been somewhat posed to the apathetic but highly dramatic world of cyberspace – yet again. Why blog? What’s the purpose? What’s the motivation? Why put your “emotions out there for everyone to view?” Why post personal things for the entire world to read when someone could get pissed off or hurt or you’re just writing it to make someone happy or angry…well…hmm. I think I’ve done that twice or so. But I’ve made apologies for it publicly. So it’s cool now. And we’re past that. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop this address.
I blog because I want to express myself. I’ve told numerous people that I never edit or rewrite something after I’ve published it. This is a lie. But only in the fact that I will sometimes go back and make spelling corrections in the case of typos. I’ve only typed two retractions in the near year-long journey of my blogs, and those were both to the same person who I’ve struggled with over and over due to the fact that I feel rejected and hurt and can’t do anything to fix. But 9.9 times out of 10, I will own up to the things I publish…even if I’ve discovered I’m wrong. My thoughts are my thoughts are my thoughts. My feelings are my feelings are my feelings. And if I feel like sharing them with the world, then that’s my perogative – because I’m an American and that’s what we do. Because I’m independent and that’s what I do. Because I do care about my friends, but I also care about being honest when I’m hurt or feel put out. Because expressing myself is a good way to gauge where I’m at. I’m a communicator. And I’m tired of just sitting in the background being non-beneficial noise. I’m speaking up. Deal with it.
So lately the drama has been excruciating. People are way too involved in other people’s lives around here, but we’re learning to live with it just in time to graduate. And some of us are claiming that everyone is acting like a highschooler while we ourselves aren’t acting their age. Some of us are ignoring our friends because of a relationship. Some of us are slacking off on our schoolwork because we’ve got senioritis so bad it’s oozing out our pores. Some of us are doing ungodly things in our relationships with our boy/girlfriends and some of us aren’t treating our friends very Christlike. Some of us thrive on making other people look terrible, taking things out of context and sharing them with the world, blowing things out of proportion, gossiping, insulting, backstabbing, taking liberties that shouldn’t be taken. Some of us have people who are nice to us only because we hold “dirt” over their heads or because we wield our power in ways we shouldn’t. Some of us are so desperate to get attention that it’s sickening the rest of us. And yeah sure, graduation is in (please view countdown meter to your left) days. So we could just put up with it. But I’ve heard that habits formed in college last a long long LONG time. And all of this stuff makes us “jackasses.” I’m one of these people, I’ll admit that. But I’m also a hypocrite…so to the rest of you – knock it off.
I’ll be honest with you because I am honest 99.9% of the time on this site. (I don’t say “always honest” cuz that’s a blanket statement and I’m sure I’m enough of a hypocrite to have lied somewhere.) After graduation, I will miss very few people. I’m not the type to get attached. Those of you who have known me for the full four years I’ve attended this place will know that I don’t think thrice about ending a friendship – even if that means burning a heck of a lot of bridges. To be even more brutally honest, I could probably list the people I’ll truly miss on both my hands without using my toes. And it takes me a minute to think of people to use up all 10 fingers. You may think that’s sad. I suppose it is. But I’m an independent person in case you missed that in the second paragraph. When it comes to missing people, I don’t indulge myself. Don’t assume that I’m calloused, because when I do miss people it’s with an excruciating amount of pain. It’s directly proportional to the amount that I don’t miss a lot of people. (That made sense in my head.) I haven’t said it much lately, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe it anymore. College is a chapter in the ongoing book of my life. When the chapter ends, the chapter ends and I accept that. I struggle with it sometimes and the fears that come with not knowing the next chapter…but I still accept it. And after every chapter, things are cut off. More responsibilities come. Relationships end. I’m alright with that. I’m alright with being honest about it. I’m alright with saying exactly what I think when I think it’s necessary. (Like the fact that it’s pouring outside and I love it!) And I’m saying this. I blog because I can. Because I don’t give a rip what people think of my thoughts. My friends should be my friends no matter what I think…even if it hurts them because it’s honest. In my opinion, that’s what friends do. We can agree to disagree. I don’t apologize for what I’m feeling at the time because I was feeling it and at the time it was honest. If I express it in a sinful manner, sure…confront me on it and I’ll do my best to rectify the situation. But if you’re just hurt, that’s an entirely different situation. If you’re hurt by an opinion on this blog, you need to learn to deal. I very rarely, if ever, vent about specific instances on this blog pertaining to one specific person. Generally, it’s something that I think is a bigger problem than just an individual. I am not afraid of you.