If you’re listening to this song
You may think the chords are going wrong
But they’re not
He just wrote it like that
I’m one of those people who enjoys considering. Consider if you’d continued as a Psych Major. Consider how your hair would look if it were dyed black. Consider last year at this time. Eeeeeee… ouch. And among all this consideration, one can always find a whole load of unclaimed regret. I wish that I’d kept playing the piano. I wish that I never flew off the handle at so-and-so and instead just swallowed my pride and kept our friendship going. I wish that I’d never started watching all these TV shows on DVD because then I wouldn’t be so addicted… So many decisions that I never realized were going to impact me as much as they did. So many bad decisions. So many decisions still hanging in the balance (like my nose piercing…)

When you’re listening late at night
You may think the bands are not quite right
But they are
They just play it like that

I tend to consider these things after the sun has tucked itself into the West Salem hills behind the fancy homes full of people with seemingly perfect lives. People with white wooden floors and pale yellow bathroom walls. People who make it look like everything they’ve ever done was with confidence. They never made any bad decisions. I’m struggling with those people and the image they’re shooting out towards me from the night sky. Half of me – the whitebread, American little wife and mother inside of me (who I have starved for many a year), wants that kind of life. With a nice pot rack above my stove and a lovely fridgidaire sitting in its spot making its own ice cubes. The other half knows I won’t be satisfied to sit my life away in the spotless gift wrapped house. I’d need variety or I’d turn to alcohol and Sex in the City reruns. The other half wants to get the heck out of the United States and live the rest of my life with just one person bashing around the world seeing everything I can. She wants to live on the edge for Jesus…and for herself.

It doesn’t really matter what chords I play
What words I say or time of day it is
As it’s only a Northern Song

Do you ever feel trapped by God? Is that heretical to ask? Isn’t feeling trapped a bad thing except when it comes to God? Whoever said “being in the hands of an Almighty God is a terrifying thing” was absolutely correct. Sometimes I get scared because I don’t know the future. Sometimes I get scared cuz God does…and I don’t. Like I’m trudging toward the inevitable 30-40 years of working and then sitting there wondering where the hell everything went. I can try and comfort myself by saying that if God put all these desires in me then He wouldn’t be cruel enough to not fulfill them. Then I get all frustrated, thinking that’s just another Christian cliche I’m feeding myself. I know that God gave us free will…and I like that part. But sometimes I get a little too caught up in the omniscience of God and trying to understand how I have free will but He knows everything that ever has, is, and will happen. There I go…pounding my fists against the boundaries of my little finite mind again…

It doesn’t really matter what clothes I wear
or how I fare or if my hair is brown
When it’s only a Northern Song

I’m at that place that’s the deep breath before diving off the 50 ft cliff into Lake Roosevelt on a seething hot summer day. I got all the way up there and immediately looked over the edge – something you shouldn’t do. I looked at all the possibilities of that cliff. I could hit the edge as I tumbled to the water. I could trip on my way to jumping and land head first. I could manage to be bitten by the single solitairy great white shark in that lake. (I know…it’s impossible…but this is MY post…). So I turned around and started to walk back down the island towards the beach. And then I looked at all the possibilities of NOT jumping. I’d be made fun of by everyone back on the boat. I would never know what it felt like to free fall 50 feet. I would regret not having the courage. So I turned again and before I could even recognize the ground was leaving me, I was flying through the air. It was incredible. My friend Lauren did not consider the possibilities and jumped – and landed on her back wrong, nearly paralyzing herself.

If you think the harmony
Is a lttle dark and out of key
You’re correct
There’s nobody there
And I told you there’s no one there

I’m at a similar place now on a larger scale. All of my papers are written. All of my tests are taken. All that’s left is to walk across a stage in a gown and get a piece of paper. And I’m looking at all the possibilities of this jump. I could fall and hit wrong and find myself a loser living at home for years and years. I could pick a path of wealth and prestige and find it unfulfilling in 40 years. I could find the one place in the plethora of options where I could be completely content. Who knows. I could jump wrong and find myself in a mess. But even that is no worse than the regret I face if I don’t leap.
This song says that no one is there. Sometimes, I feel like that’s true. I have no guidance in what decision to make and I’m so scared of making the wrong one that I don’t want to make one at all. And even if everything seems wrong and I happen to make some bad decisions in my ignorance, it doesn’t matter – God’s got the song under control.

Lyrics by George Harrison