I am he as you are he as you are me
and we are all together
See how they run like pigs from a gun
see how they fly
I’m crying
I’ve been called a lot of different things in the 22 years I’ve been alive. Random, opposite adjectives tossed in my direction. So many people perceive me in so many different ways. I’m sure part of the plethora of descriptions is due to my various maturity levels and the different environments. It’s still disconcerting.

Sitting on a cornflake
Waiting for the van to come
Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday
Man you’ve been a naughty boy
you let your face grow long

When I was a kid (under 10 years old), I was called mature, attention-seeking, and tenacious. I was the first child in my gymnastics class to get time out everyday for unsafe behavior on the uneven bars. I also strove to be the first kid in line everyday during kindergarten so I could be the responsible line leader. I never went to the principal’s office during my entire public school career and the only time I was sent into the hall as a punishment – I cried.

I am the eggman
they are the eggmen
I am the walrus
Koo koo ca’choo

I always wanted to be the type of person who was the same everywhere. I’ve mentioned so many times that I hate hypocrites. I know I am one. Everyone is one. All the time. I detest masks. I detest people who act one way around some people and another way around others which is insulting. I’m not talking about “church” and “school” and “business” attitudes versus casual ones, I’m talking about the old high school ploy of acting nice and then acting like a creep for attention. What are you going to do?

Mr. city policeman sitting
pretty little policemen in a row
See how they fly like Lucy in the sky
See how they run
I’m crying
I’m crying, I’m crying

This past year, one of my nicknames was the snitch. This was all in fun before some of you get your knickers in a twist. Being a part of student government and then being friends with some of the individuals I was friends with naturally attracted ostracism. And I’ll be honest, it was very hard to balance that. There were times that I made bad decisions on both sides of the scale, and there were times I was a breath away from giving one or both of them up.

Yellow matter custard
Dripping from a dead dog’s eye
Crabalocker fishwife
Pornographic priestess
Boy, you’ve been a naughty girl
you let your knickers down

Between the ages of 18 and 19, I was the most two-faced I’ve been so far in my entire life. Preaching one thing to the junior high girls I was a youth intern over and doing the exact opposite in my own relationships. Condemning my room mate while swimming in the same waters. I got labeled the “sexless slut.” Imagine dealing with that as you go to a Christian college. People wonder why I’m so anal (forgive the disgusting unintended pun) about the physical aspect of relationships. It’s because I know first hand that things get out of control faster than you can blink and the consequences last further than you want to see. But then, what do I know…perhaps I just wasn’t in love.

I am the eggman
They are the eggmen
I am the walrus
Koo koo ca’choo

The way people work is weird. One moment you’re accepted as another part of the club – maybe even elected President. The next you’re being scapegoated, overthrown, or lynched. All while the smiling faces around you don’t change their innocent expressions. What are you going to do?

Sitting in an English garden
waiting for the sun
If the sun don’t come you get a tan
from standing in the English rain

I went tanning one summer. I went in twice and burned like a lobster. It wasn’t a big deal because I knew I would. I had a couple “best” friends who handed me a few nicknames that still stick. These nicknames were accompanied by a few butt slaps, suggestions for weight loss and drastic methods to improve my appearance so boys would consider me attractive. I was shattered. So I went tanning and developed a tough side. The quirky sense of humor I had in middle school began being honed into the quiksilver sarcasm many people associate with me today. I gave up tanning after I went in a third time and the lady behind the desk told me I was a hopeless albino.

I am the eggman
They are the eggmen
I am the walrus
Koo koo ca’choo

I still don’t feel like I fit in. My friends assure me that my appearance is fine, but I still feel like an elephant in a glass house full of china. No one is perfect, I know…but somewhere along the way, I got this mindset ingrained in me that I was supposed to be. What are you going to do?

Expert, texpert choking smokers
don’t you think the joker laughs at you
See how they smile like pigs in a sty
See how they snide
I’m crying

I get told quite often that I’m a genius. To be honest, I can never spell the word “genius” right on the first try. Spell check always has to catch it for me. Figures. So I pick up on things quickly…whoop. The intellectual realm is one where you can actually be accepted if you work hard. I don’t understand math or science one little jot. English I can master…but that’s mostly because you can make any assumption you choose in English if you can back it up with facts. And being the “wit” that I am – I can twist nearly anything into meaning what I’d like it to mean. Ask any of my friends – it’s a woman and a Rogue thing. Skewing. I also get told that I’m funny. It all comes back to the sarcasm and the need to direction the attention away from my obvious weaknesses.

Semolina pilchard
climbing up the Eiffel tower
Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna
Man, you should have seen them kicking
Edgar Allan Poe

I have a natural drive to prove myself. If I could have money for each time I was called a leader, I wouldn’t have student loans. (And that would be nice). Everywhere I’ve gone in life, I’ve found myself taking the plunge into leadership. From lead roles in the elementary school plays to student government, to a worship team leader in high school, to President of my fellowship. I don’t think I even consciously do it. I have to have a goal I’m working towards that I care about. I’m independent. Put the two together…

I am the eggman
They are the eggmen
I am the walrus
Koo koo ca’choo

I think the most disconcerting adjectives I’ve had velcroed to me in the distant past were “scared” and “reserved.” I think that I’m no more scared than any sane person should be. Weren’t you scared when you first cannon balled into the real world? And as for reserved…I don’t consider myself reserved. It affirms one of my biggest fears – that I’m shallow. I share so much of myself with people at times that I run out of things to share. This could mean I’m shallow or it could mean I’m repressed. What am I going to do? True, my natural instinct is to run or close up, but in order to fight this very depressing adjective, I’ll share some things with you in closing. They aren’t mind-boggling or exciting, they just are. They’re new. And an attempt to chase away the “facade.”

Koo koo ca’choo
I view my own crying as weakness. I hate being vulnerable, even to people I know I can trust implicitly. I fight crying until given permission to cry by myself and everyone else who happens to be around me. If I don’t get permission, I’ll picture my emotions being put into a chest and being locked up until it’s safe to deal with them later. And if I absolutely cannot lock them away, I’ll run.
Koo koo ca’ choo
I consistently view myself as a failure on purpose so I can become better. Perhaps it’s my stupid and pointless drive to obtain impossible perfection, but it’s just easier for me to admit failures before successes. Note that failures do not mean the same as weaknesses to me.
Koo koo ca’ chooba choo
I have a drive to learn the details in things. When I get around to practicing the piano, I want to learn exactly how A flat sounds. When I cook, I want to get to the point where I can know what spices will do what to a concoction instead of having to rely on a recipe book.
juba juba juba
When I’m angry with myself, I picture myself getting shot.
juba juba juba
I am terrified of people in costumes such as Chuck E Cheese, sports team mascots, and any of the Disney characters.
juba juba juba juba
Just like everyone else, I vascillate between loving who I am for every second of a period of time and then alternately being unable to understand how I could even exist because I’m so despicable.
juba juba…

“But I am a worm and not a man, A reproach men and despised by the people.” Psalm 22:6

“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. ” Psalm 139:14

Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney

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