There is something quite disconcerting in realizing life is failing your every expectation. One of my biggest fears was that right out of college I’d end up moving back home because I could not make it in the real world. Whelp. Here I am. Four months after graduation, still desperately looking for a job and sharing a bedroom with a 16 year old. No 16 year old high school senior should have to share their room with their now college grad sister. It’s unfair.
It’s also unfair for that college grad to wake up to her sister, her sister’s best friend, and their homosexual boy friend sleeping together in a single twin bed less than six feet away. That’s disturbing to me. Call me conservative, but don’t expect a negative reaction outta me.
Nearly everything that has happened this summer has been a contribution to my disillusionment with life. I do not have any goals. And, contrary to how I felt in May, this no longer bothers me. I’m learning life can go on even if you don’t have goals. To be frighteningly honest, the thought of marriage has even turned sour to me. Especially after experiencing all of my friends’ concepts of what a wedding (sometimes even my wedding) should be like as well as their opinions on a marriage. Has the world just gone crazy as hell while I was in my WB bubble or what? Anyway. Back from uber-cynicysm land.
I yearn to be alone. No matter where I’ve traveled lately, I feel trapped. I’m antsy. I’m unsatisfied. And I’ve got the wanderlust. Looking back, I think this happens to me every four or five years. But until now, there’s been a normal life change to support that feeling. Switching high schools, going to college, etc. But now, I’ve got a huge drive to just move across the country and start all over again like I’ve been able to in the past (well, not across the country, but to another state at least). Joining the peace corps sounds nice. Dang those college loans…
It’s like I’m stuck in a little futuristic egg shaped pod and I can’t get out. Everyone is telling me I should be grateful for my little egg shaped pod because it’s comfortable, free, and keeps me safe and warm. And it’s very nice. I must be selfish then…I’m ungrateful. I’m ready to reinvent myself again. And no offense, but the smugness of many people around me and those who have been surrounding me trying to support and encourage with the “there’s a plan” stuff…let’s just say I’m in a valley right now and you’re not doing anything but handing me a shovel. *pouts* *moves to next level of selfishness*
And Starbucks discontinued Irish Creme. Jerks.