This is why I haven’t been blogging. God and I are fighting.
We’re not y’know…fighting fighting, cuz obviously He would win. It’s more like…God is teaching me and I keep getting distracted. Hopefully, He’ll win this one too. Provided I don’t get more distracted.
I didn’t really know I was pissed off at God until last Tuesday, which is kind of odd for me. Usually I’m the type of person who is quite aware when they’re angry. But apparently, God has this new “use other people to show Rogue what’s going on” tactic. Figures.I’ll be honest. The past six months have been very frustrating, but very fulfilling. I know, I know, paradoxical. On the one hand, I love one of my jobs. (One of…three. Well, four. Let’s just say three and a half.) I know without a doubt I was called to do this job. I get to hang out with middle school kids who are so awesome. I get to make music with them and eat with them – despite the fact their campus is closed. God is so awesome and so powerful with His plan for this school, that He’s provided ways for us to hang out with these kids despite practically the entire administrative staff being against it. Dude, when this school’s campus goes open…God is going to run amok with these kids. Not only are we infiltrating this campus, these kids love us. And I love these kids. I tend to gravitate towards the challenging kids. My two little bestest middleschool friends both have ADD. They play the drums and the sax. They like making up jokes and puns. They’re brilliant. They just have a hard time concentrating. I love em. I know when we get to have Club, God is going to just rock the campus.
Not only do I love these kids, I love the people I work with. They’re all around my age which is really nice in terms of support, but we all come from different backgrounds and can encourage and teach each other. My co-leader is the exact opposite of me, but we started bonding because we love kids and we’re continuing to bond because we’re similar in a few other ways. Another team leader and I hit it off immediately and she and I find ourselves regularly talking to each other – in the middle of conversations – that only God could have orchestrated. We struggle with the same problems. We have similar goals. My coworkers rock.
My other jobs also give me opportunities to serve. The gallery gives me a chance to exercise patience. Patience with my father (who I rarely agree with), patience with my coworkers (especially the one who steals all the hours), and patience with customers (who seem to get more obnoxious the closer to the holidays we get). And now I’m starting work at a local highschool. Hurrah for more contact work!
So that’s the good part. I’m happy with that. I’m busy and have people I can talk to if I really need to. The part where God and I are fighting is still about this though. I’m holding out for the big time – my own apartment, a new car, blah blah blah. God’s putting on the heavy heat, emotionally, and I’m still holding out with my own little plan for the future. Yes, I know God’s plan and timing is best. Yes, I know that He’ll take care of me. Yes, I know I’ll be a better person because of all this. But I’m still pissed. I keep getting all these hints that I’m not ever going to be super wealthy, especially if I want to work in the ministry, and I’m going to have to accept that (so God says…) But it’s like I’m hearing it, but not listening. Fft! Fft!
I feel like God is systematically taking things away which I took for granted. Food being the first thing that comes to mind. This summer I could eat practically anything. Now I can’t have sugar, caffeine, most fruits, refined carbs, lots of dairy products, candy, nuts, and coffee (*whimper*). I’ve been asked to share my car with my sister – which first off requires communication with her (not an easy task)- and second is quite draining on my bank account since she never puts gas in it. My brother may be moving back in, meaning I get to share a room again. And my parents are challenging me to snoop on my sister and report to them – causing conflicting loyalties. And now God is asking me to give up this huge thing I like to call “a plan for my life.”
It’s hard to do this. I get scared that if God asks me to give up this one thing – this one plan – how many others is He going to ask me to give up? Should I just give it all up right now? Which ones do I work towards achieving and which ones do I give up completely and which ones do I change a little so they fit God’s plan? And why can’t God just give me the same dreams and goals He wants me to have in the first place?!?!? It’d make things so much easier.
Real life is like being continually flushed down a toilet. Sometimes there’s poo and sometimes there isn’t – but you’re still getting swirlied.